Update talking to teacher

After my last post, we headed over to Matthew's Awana Games practice (about 2 blocks from Matthew's school)... While driving past the school Matthew noticed that his teacher's classroom light was still on... I asked him what would happen if we knocked, he told me she probably would answer, but when we went around the corner she was actually coming out of the class and going to her car...

I asked Matthew if he wanted me to talk to her... He told me yes please...

So we stopped and talked to her...

I told her "Matthew really can do the math problems that you are unable to get him to do in class..."

She questioned me about it, if I had watched him do it and if I had checked his work and if it was correct... I told her yes about all of the questions...  And told her that I didn't like him being called a liar when he wasn't able to do the problems again today at school.

She immediately started to talk down to him and asked him "why would you tell the principal that you had lied about being able to do the problems and about using the calculator..."

I was taken aback from the way that she was talking to him, but didn't really know what to say.

I told her that he had stated that he could only do them with no distractions & that I could relate, as I work best at work when it is all quiet around - wearing headphones most of the time in order to block out distractions.

She stated that maybe he needed noise cancelling headphones to wear in class. And I asked how his classmates would react to that - being sure that he would be teased. And she stated that they have a student that needs a wheelchair and some that needs glasses - perhaps Matthew just needs these headphones to work...

We left off that we would see what we could do to get him some headphones and give that a try.

(after talking to Matthew more he doesn't even want to try, knowing that his classmates would tease him about them to no end - "they already tease me about my ears sticking out - why would I want to have more teasing Mom?)

I left feeling a bit better, until I thought more about how she talked down to him about lying and such in front of me - and really wondered what goes on when I am not there to hear how she talks to him...

Contemplating what to do next - but following Matthew's lead on what he would like to do.  I think formally requesting the 504 plan be in place and include an option to remove himself from the classroom to work on his work that requires more concentration should be the first thing that is addressed...  I will see how this week progresses and go from there...

Really?

Today in school Matthew's teacher didn't have him try to do math problems during the recess they made him stay in from because he lied about using the calculator for the math problems... Instead she chose to have him try the math problems at the end of the day while everyone was trying to get ready to go for the day.

When he got the problems wrong, she told him that "you can't do them, you must be lying to me..." (which is a slap in the face to me in a way because I was the one that vouched the he could do them - as we have witnessed him doing them here at home with no problems).  Matthew replied to her telling her that he could really do them, but needed absolute silence in order to concentrate on doing them.  And she told him back "well I guess I might have you stay in from recess to show me then..."

Really? My kiddo might lose a recess to prove a point about an email that I let them know that he was doing well in math at home?  REALLY?

This spurs my thought that we need to get the 504 plan going that will allow him to ask to work independently in a quiet place outside of the classroom or perhaps with headphones on in order to block out external stimuli or whatnot (it works for me at work...)

And also possibly requesting a different teacher for a fresh start to see if that makes a difference as well.

Why... Why... Why...

Matthew has been working on a fun math workbook for school and we have been working together on the pages, some of the stuff he already knew how to do, and other stuff he has needed a bit of guidance on how to do it. But what has stuck out to me is that he seems to be able to do some math problems in his head... Stuff that I need to write down on paper to do on my own...

287 x 312 - I would need to write down all the steps on paper to solve this myself, but Matthew can do them on his own in his head - if allowed a bit of time and a quiet area to do them.

At first I was skeptical, thinking he was using a calculator to do the work, but then I had him do a problem right in front of me with no option for a calculator to come into the equation. He did it and got the answer right! And he has done several more in front of me as well...  WITHOUT a calculator...

So having something good to report to the teacher, I emailed her to let her know of his new ability, and she seemed impressed wanting to have him show her how he does it at school. The first time she tried he did not have a quiet time to do it, and she reported mixed results. She said she would try again another time when it is quiet...  Would you think this would lead to a call from the school principal?  It did...  :(

My guess is that Matthew felt pressure to get the answers done quickly and he ended up using a calculator to do the problems. When the teacher asked him about it he denied it, and not until he was taken to the principal's office did he admit that he had cheated and lied about it...  The principal stated that they talked about it being wrong to cheat, and lying is even worse. I told him that I felt so horrible that I boasted about Matthew being good at doing something at home, and then it ended up him getting in trouble... To which he only responded, I don't know what he can do at home versus at school...

I told him thank you for letting me know (I don't know if he heard the sarcasm in my voice...)

Geesh... I can't seem to win...

I know that my child is doing better at home on this schoolwork... He is figuring out how to do these problems in his head & figuring out time concepts really well now.

What the heck is wrong with the classroom that he is unable to do them there? (I asked Matthew when he got home... he stated that is noisy and there is always stuff going on that distracts him)

He prompty got out his workbook and did another of the same type of problem right in front of me in his head...  :)

Learning more

I am still around, been a bit confused lately, as we let Matthew have wheat over the weekend (since it was a long one) to see how he reacted to it - and we didn't see a reaction. Then we tried milk and didn't see a reaction either. So I am confused...

He is still choosing to eat the gluten free alternatives for the most part, so just reducing the amount of wheat he has in his diet is making him feel a bit better - which I understand from having eliminated wheat from my diet myself 6 months ago.

He is having a good week, getting some 3's on his behavior chart at school from his teacher, which is a great thing - he is happy with that, and hopefully his teacher is as well... :)  He was proud of himself to come home with a prize from the treasure box at the counselor's office - his positive reinforcement for the behavior plan in place at school.

I listened to a webinar today by Russell Barkley (a renound expert on ADHD) - and learned a lot... Here's my take away from the webinar...

• A person with ADHD has a disability in their executive functioning - Executive function is a set of mental processes that helps connect past experience with present action. People use it to perform activities such as planning, organizing, strategizing, paying attention to and remembering details, and managing time and space.
• This includes:
• the inability to monitor their own behavior
• the ability to stop yourself from doing wrong
• problems with their working memory - what you are doing and what your plan was to get it done
• skewed sense of time and the management of it
• problems controlling emotions
• It is not the child's fault - these things going on are out of their control, it isn't caused by too much tv, or too much sugar or a type of food, or bad parenting - it is usually genetic
• There is a 30% lag in their development of their executive functioning... So our son is 10 years old, so he has the executive functioning of a 7 year old. Remembering that can help him succeed
• There is a need for immediate praise or redirection - no warnings. He lacks the self regulation to keep himself motivated to keep moving on things (chores, homework, classwork and the like - unless it is something he is really interested in)
• consequences should happen right away -weather good or bad - earning a priviledge for the good, or losing one for the bad
• Their fuel tank of self control will be empty by the end of the day - need to use strategies to help them refuel to work on things in the evening.
• Maintenance of blood sugar is important, allowing him to sip on something with a bit of sugar in it to help with that is all good.
• Exercise is key for people with ADHD - 30 minutes 3-5 times a week
• When working on projects, schoolwork or whatnot using a 10/3 intervals of time works best to allow for breaks.

That was a lot of information to take in & I am looking forward to going back and listening to some of the previous webinars they have had as well to learn even more!  http://www.additudemag.com/webinars

My biggest take-away from this is that it isn't his fault & asking him "why?" he did something and getting a "I don't know" can truly be his only true answer - that he really doesn't know because he wasn't processing what he was doing at that time...

We used a timer like this and set it for 10 minutes of "work" and 3 minutes of  "rest" for
 him to do his time on his learning games on the computer

We downloaded an interval timer on a cell phone that he uses just for the apps/games and he is using it to work on some online software that works on math and reading skills & it is going pretty well - the most interested and calm I have seen him work on stuff like this in a long time!

Another challenge

Today I started out the day talking to the school about my frustrations from Friday- about his recess being taken away & how important I thought recess was for him.

She wanted to know about how the Dr appt went and if there has been any more activity since then.  I told her that he was diagnosed with ADHD, and we were exploring non-medication methods of treatment (not elaborating what they were) and that we had seen great improvements at home.  She commented that he doesn't have all sorts of negative influences that challenge him at home. And that he keeps interacting more with boys in his class that he has been having problems with. That it is a two way street, and if he would stop egging them on (making faces at them and such) that they might stop picking on him back. I stated that it didn't sound like Matthew was all to blame about it.

I shared a point that Mike reminded me that the Dr had made... The Dr stated that usually you don't hear much positive input back from the school from treatment, because the school always seems to be looking for the negatives, rather than the positives...  She was taken aback by that comment and asked me if I really thought that about their school... I told her I did, I rarely hear about any improvements he is making - only one tidbit of a story sharing two nice things he had done in class a few weeks ago... no feedback on his academics at all...  She stated that she would check with the teacher about that and try to get her to provide more feedback.

I said that it was discouraging because we have seen so many positive changes at home and we don't hear anything good from the school.

She said that there were a lot of things that are hard to change when they have been habits. Like always egging on other kids in his class when he is up walking around in the class...  I brought up the possibility of a fresh start being good for him & she agreed, stating that she had been thinking about that idea for Matthew over the weekend as well... (which I found sweet in a way)  I told her that it may be just the thing Matthew needs to get past this problem.  She asked me if I was serious about wanting to change, and I stated yes, and she said that she would get the ball rolling to discuss it with the principal and the counselor, as the principal is the one that makes that sort of decision and the counselor should definitely be involved as well...

I told her that sounded great & wanted to clarify that we were not trying to do it to change teachers, just the student set that he is in class with... She understood...

We talked more about recess & I let her know that I was confident that he would make good choices at recess and that he had asked to be able to have recess because he wanted the exercise he could get from running around... She told me she would let him have the chance today...

I felt pretty good about the whole conversation...

Until hours later when I got the email that stated that he got a referral at that recess that I had fought for her to allow him to have...

The referral stated that Matthew threw dirt into another student's mouth... Which that by itself sounds pretty bad... Until I talked to Matthew and learned the rest of the story...

There were several other kids involved and others threw dirt as well - and Matthew was not the one that started it... No, that doesn't make it right, but it is a different story than was portrayed on his referral form...  This frustrates me...  As do many things... but one battle a time I guess...

He is back in at second recess, until a conference can be had with us (his parents) and the parties involved at the school.  Hoping to be able to resolve that this week and hopefully address the classroom change at the same time.

Oh for a crystal ball to see into the future and see if this the answer we need to help him succeed.

My plan for now is to try to move forward with the classroom change for him and to work through some workbooks on behavior modification (made out for ADHD kids) and see if we can help him learn to make better choices.

Frustrations at school

So Matthew hasn't had afternoon recess for 3 weeks now due to the vice principal stating that they didn't feel comfortable letting him go out to afternoon recess that he was a danger to himself and others.  This was following an incident that our son was playing tag with some other boys and accidentally (even they agree it was an accident) punched another kid in the nose when reaching to tag one of the boys...  They were all playing a bit on the rough side and it got out of hand...

With Matthew's great improvements at home, I requested he be given his afternoon recess back on Thursday... He did well on Thursday & then today & got called in to the office during his first recess because someone told on him that he had been calling names and making faces at them in class and at recess...  Matthew admitted to a few silly faces in class and to calling him names (they were both doing it back and forth to each other - and it was only saying stuff like "I don't hit girls..." not anything really bad)

But then it went on to someone saying that Matthew had flipped off another student on the way to recess.

Matthew denied it, and was told that she didn't want to talk to him as long as he was lying. And then I got an email (our standard form of communication) about what happened, stating that the student that reported this activity was very reliable...  And that all recesses were going to be taken away until we could meet to discuss this.

I responded telling them that I was frustrated because it is two steps forward and one step back, and he is doing so well at home, and let them know we would talk to Matthew about this and get back with them.

I met Matthew at the bus stop today and the first thing he said to me (without me saying ANYTHING) was "I didn't do it..."  He was referring to being accused of flipping someone off... He told me that he knows that is wrong and that he would get in trouble for it. He said that he was pretty sure the "gang" of boys that he feels like is watching him all the time in class and at recess put this other kid up to saying that he had flipped someone off to get him in trouble. He said that he was so frustrated that she wouldn't believe him that he cried...  (When Matthew cries, he is sincerely upset... so this is telltale that he was telling the truth)

We drafted another email to the school and let them know what Matthew told us and asked how they would like to handle making sure that Matthew feels safe from the "gang" of boys in his class and at recess & that we are upset about him losing recess over heresay about something.

I have no idea what sort of response we will get, but we are working hard on learning how to respond to things people say and do to him.

We were very proud of him when someone this week was teasing him about having a "girlfriend" - but his response was great - "no, she is my friend because our parents know each other..." (all the truth!)  I love that he didn't let what they said bother him, and he had something clever to say to them!

Here's hoping that they will be able to help him at the school level, and that we won't need to figure out the next level of people to talk to to help him be treated fairly and feel safe in school.

We are so proud of how much he has changed and how well he is adapting to what he needs to do to keep his brain happier (wheat and dairy free)...

Update

So the last two days have been rough, when the previous days had been pretty good with Matthew... I am trying to figure out if it is because he was running a fever last night and didn't feel well, or if dairy may be something else he is intolerant to. As he had cottage cheese yesterday morning (because I had bought some at the store after not having it for a long time because I don't eat it anymore - but I was seeking more things that Matthew could eat and liked...) and then he had a bowl of cereal (rice chex) this morning with a bunch of milk with it...

Yesterday he was very sensitive - like run to his room if anyone looked at him funny, as well as lashing out at others over silly things...

Today he was bawling, very, very upset on our way to go over to the local middle school for me to do a long walk while he and his sisters played around over there... He was bawling because his helmet wasn't on his handlebars to his bike where he had left it... It was the type of crying that you would expect if your puppy got lost, or your world ended... I felt so bad for him, and really, really want to figure out what the trigger was...  (While feeling bad for him, I kept worrying that we were having such a setback that we were going to have resort to meds...  which made me sad...  I hope we can figure out how to help with other things and we don't have to go that route.)

So I am here documenting it and we will try to keep him off of dairy for this week (he does fine if it is small amounts in cooked items and cheese - but it seems to be straight dairy - milk and cottage cheese that doesn't work well) and then let him try it again and see if it is a trigger. Otherwise I am missing something else that is different that would cause this...

One day at a time...

On a great note his blood test came back negative for celiac's disease. Which still leave us open for a gluten or some set of foods that he is intorant of, but way easier to manage than celiac's.